Going Through a Divorce With Kids? These Tips Will Help

Up to 50% of U.S. adults are married. Unfortunately, not all marriages last. Ideally, when marriages dissolve, they will leave as few emotional scars as possible.

The reality can be an uncertain one, particularly when children are involved. Children of parents of divorce are more likely to divorce themselves later in life. Kids with divorced parents are more prone to physical injury and more likely to have a substance abuse disorder at some point in their lives.

This reality is not set in stone, however. It is very possible to divorce without leaving children upset and troubled for months — or even years — to come. Here are some tips to make the transition as smooth as possible for you and your family, especially your children.

Don’t Stifle Children’s Feelings — The Good And The Bad

According to Verywell Family, “Research shows that adolescents whose parents have divorced are more likely to experience injury, accidents, and illness than children whose parents have remained married.” Parents can mitigate ill effects like this one by carefully providing space for their children’s emotions.

KidsHealth recommends encouraging children to talk about their feelings during and after your divorce — including painful and negative feelings. It is important not to be overly reactive. Give kids space to say what is on their minds and reassure them that what they are feeling is okay and normal. Listen, and try your best not to shrug off kids’ emotions or suggest means to fix them.

If you are hurt during any of these conversations, do not let that hurt bleed into your home. Talk to a trusted confidant or mental health counselor. Do not vent to your child or criticize them.

When Appropriate, Keep It Between Adults

Even in the best of circumstances and most amicable of divorces, there is likely to be some hurt when splitting up your family home. There are certain matters, like finances, details of the split, child custody disagreements, and divorce-related disputes, that you should avoid discussing with children altogether.

Do not put down your children’s mother or father. Avoid speaking ill of children’s grandparents and relatives, and remember that kids can pick up on negative body language and facial expressions with relative ease.

Give Each Other Grace

One of the challenges of dissolving your old home and starting anew is learning how to successfully co-parent your child. Make it easier on you and your spouse by giving each other a little bit of grace.

It can be difficult to navigate many aspects of your new lives. Assume any mistakes when co-parenting at first are just that — mistakes, not purposeful slights. Give each other the benefit of the doubt and assume you are both trying to do what is best for your child.

If there is a recurring issue or a reward or disciplinary action that you strongly disagree with, discuss this with the other parent in private. Try to think of your co-parenting relationship as a business relationship. You may not always like your coworkers, but you do have to amicably and effectively work toward common goals together.

Encourage Kids To Be Social

While it may be therapeutic for you to take a break from seeing your former in-laws for the time being or perhaps even for the foreseeable future, the same does not hold true for your child. Make transitions as smooth as possible for your children by giving them regular access to grandparents, extended family, and family friends.

There are ways to make this easier for you and them. If possible, spend time with your parents when you have your kids and make sure they see your in-laws when they visit your ex-partner. If that’s not an ideal arrangement, consider waiting outside of in-laws’ homes and picking up your child with a wave and/or limited contact as necessary.

Stay Organized About Legal Custody

What is the difference between physical and legal custody? Physical custody refers to the time your child spends living at your home. You have physical custody of them when they are under your roof. Legal custody, on the other hand, refers to any necessary decisions you make for your child’s well-being — things like where they will attend school, scheduling appointments with their dentist and primary care physician, or even whether they will attend religious services.

For many co-parenting divorced couples, the easiest way to do this is to align legal and physical company. When your child is staying with you, you make important decisions and vice versa.

It is not always possible to split up decisions this way, however. For example, will your child be attending public or private schools? Public school teachers receive higher pay and are often required to attend more up-to-date conferences about childhood education. On the other hand, private schools make up 25% of all U.S. schools. Class sizes are much smaller. Your child will have more one-on-one attention from his or her teacher, and classes themselves are more likely to be specialized (private schools may be geared toward the arts or STEM subjects, for example). Cooperate with your child’s other parent to make this decision — and stick to it. A regular schedule and consistent routine is important for your child, especially after divorce.

Be As Open As Possible About The Right Subjects

While it is best to keep your lips sealed about your ex-spouse’s shortcomings, there are times when it is appropriate to be as transparent as possible with your kids. Talk to kids openly about when to expect changes, what changes to expect, and what their new schedules will look like. Answer any questions they may have as long as they are age-appropriate.

To simplify matters, consider placing a large, easy-to-read calendar in a common area of your home. Note when they will be at your house and when kids will be at their other parent’s home. Mark these days in two separate, distinct colors. Put sports, extracurricular activities, vacations, and holidays on the calendar. For young kids, use fun stickers to designate different days and activities.

Unfortunately, up to 40% to 50% of married couples divorce in the U.S. With careful planning, divorce does not have to damage your child’s psyche or affect their overall well-being for months or years to come. Get started with the tips above. Meet with a family lawyer or a family therapist if you have further questions.